Watching the news can be really depressing.
All the natural disasters, political unrest and food scandals.
It serves as a wake up call for me.
Growing up in Singapore, with a somewhat blissful and complete family. I am really spoilt and well-protected.
99.99% of the time, I forgot that the world is not that peaceful and that there are dangers out there.
War and starvation seems surreal and faraway.
It makes me ashamed of myself when I whine about not having enough time for myself.
Why am I whining about school when others are denied education when they so desperately want it?
I should be more grateful and appreciative of what I have.
I think that all fortune souls should be appreciative because it would be too late for regrets should anything happen. (touch wood)
When the days come, instead of whining about something, why not smile and be thankful that you don't have to worry about Earthquakes or dying due to political unrest and riots.
It is as easy as it is difficult to do this.
Easy because those things are really treasures and not difficult to appreciate.
Difficult because it is hard to grasp the magnitude of this blessing due to over complacency
So let's all try a little harder together to keep this in mind. Okay?
Trapped in a cocoon,
I met a little girl.
She looked at me, and asked.
"where are we?"
"I don't know."
"There why are we here?"
"I have no idea..."
She looked around, the depth of darkness surrounds.
"Where did the Sun go?"
"I wish I knew."
Looking worried, she asked.
"How are we going to get back?"
"...get back to where?"
She gave me a strange look.
"Who are you?"
"..."
The silence was deafening.
"I don't know!"
"How could you not know!?" she yelled angrily and disappeared.
Last Friday, was the most relaxed day I've ever had.
Well, it didn't start out well but it ended well.
Woke up with a headache in the morning, hence, skipping lecture.
Well, can't help that I've been having insomnia recently.
There are days that I could not fall asleep till 6 am in the morning.
Well, that and having to force yourself to sleep is really annoying and uncomfortable.
It seriously sucks.
Went to school at around 11 plus for comskill 2 meeting, some things happened and I panicked a little. Good thing it was resolved :D
At night, during karaoke session, I ate some seaweeds (practically almost all...sorry cas~ >.<) and went out to throw the empty packets away when I saw the trees!
Well, most of them thinks that I'm emo/nuts but I think that the trees are really beautiful.
I sat down staring at them for the rest of the night.
In the darken sky, some of the thin branches seems invisible, the leaves looks like bouquets of flowers, the intricate patterns formed by the branches.
Oh and the wind was nice and soothing!
I have not felt so at peace for so long.
Though I have to admit I was occasionally annoyed because people questioned me a little too much about why I was sitting there staring at the trees.
After that, mervn drove us to East Coast for dinner because I was sort of a brat and wanted to eat satay. LOL!
THANKS MERVN!!!! YOU'RE THE BEST!!!
I will try to be less willful and I will do my best to become my more sociable self soon. Give me some time kay~?
Everyone's bound to have negative thoughts.
In fact, more often than not, negative thoughts are what spur us to do better, right?
For example:
"I think that I am too bossy."
"It's can be really irritating and sometimes counter-productive"
It should then ultimately, lead to something like this:
"I should try to be less bossy and more amiable."
However, I realized that, that is often not the case.
There are like 3 kind of people (perhaps more than that):
1st kind as mentioned above are people who are most likely to lead a happy and successful life.
A 2nd group of people would do this:
"I am too bossy, why am I like this? People must hate me. But it's not my fault, they forced me to, they don't have any initiative,etc etc."
"Well...but I don't want people to hate me so I should try to be nicer, though it's really not my fault."
-Transmission end-
This 2nd group of people will generally mule over such issues and generally be self-conscious and a little insecure. Nevertheless, it usually don't hinder their daily or social life.
The last group of people goes like this:
"Oh my god, why am I so bossy? Sally must have hated me for it. Dale must have been offended by my demanding tone just now."
Eventually leading to something like this:
"Why am I alive? I am such a scum that only knows how to boss people around! I am such an asshole. I must have been such a burden to my parents. I should die!"
Some of these people, either have depression, anxiety or most likely attention seekers.
The former two categories are normally suicidal , needs to seek professional/spiritual help, though they are more likely to be less vocal and harder to spot.
The last category.
The attention seeker and how to spot one.
I believe that they truly do feel that way to a certain extent.
They tend to be very vocal about these feelings towards people they want to capture attention from.
They will gather the sympathy or pity of those who cares about them.
Shoot down most or every word of comfort.
Plain annoying.
Well, other than vocal they tend to show it through their whole body language when possible (producing a gloomy aura) in a very public place where someone is bound to notice.
Their really self-destructive and usually bring those who cares around them down along with them.
Some will eventually spiral into depression and suicide.
I personally have been through number 3 a few years back.
It was after my second hospitalization and I was at an all time low.
Both physically and mentally.
I've managed to pick myself up because I realized how idiotic I must have been.
Ultimately, emos are not your heart, it's in your mind.
If it's in your mind, you can control it.
That's what I've learnt and have to keep reminding myself.
Currently, I'm usually at number 2, rarely at number 3 and striving hard for number 1.
I'm writing this down so that I will have a reminder.
For this year, I will try to eliminate number 3 out of my life.
If I survive this year, than the next goal would be to gain a stronger foothold in number 2.
Finally, if I live long enough, I would want to attain number 1!!!!
It's a new year.
So I'm going to push forward.
I kept telling myself that I must be more cheerful like I used to be.
Be warm and kind and etc.
Truth is, it is really hard.
I've learnt a lot.
Mostly of how cold and cruel the world can be.
In the process, losing sight of the warmth and the brighter sight of the world.
It's like, once you've touched the darkness, it'll draw you in, unwilling to ever let go of you.
Yes, it's hard to get out of that suffocating darkness.
But hard doesn't means that it is impossible.
It just means that I would have to put up a better fight.
I would really try my best, so even if I failed at the end.
At least I've tried.
So much emotion swelling inside me now, I hope that my motivation wouldn't be lost the very next day though...knowing how flicker I can be...
With time,changes occurs.
Woke up this morning and felt really negative.
Mostly because of what I've done and have continued doing.
Tried really hard to calm myself down and managed to stop myself from spiraling down to an anxiety attack.
Though I still feel somewhat restless.
I realized how much I've changed.
Reading my past post for the last 2 years.
I realized how much happier and cheerful I was.
Not that I was a ball of sunshine or anything but still...
Saved for the episode of melt down I had.
That was actually a major episode that I managed to get over and kept positive after that.
Now, it's just I'm generally in this state of non-happiness.
It's not that I'm always happy but I'm almost never happy.
The only time that I'm "happy" is when I have fun.
Which basically involves crazy stuff and being around people that I don't usually hang out with.
I can't keep all of it from being written across my face.
So when people asked if I'm okay.
I'll just say that I'm tired.
Which is I guess not really far away from the truth.
My soul, my mind and my body are all exhausted.
My heart is locked, closed to everyone.
What I used to do is I would at least call someone to pour all my heart now.
Now, I wouldn't.
I can't.
Some things are meant to for the person to get over it.
If it's my own attitude and mindset, no one else would be able to talk me out of it.
I'm really tired.
I have not cried for a long time for I kept a lid of it.
I woke up feeling terrible.
All those negative emotions that I had been keeping on bay had grabbed hold of me again.
I thought that maybe visiting Kinokuniya and doing some shopping might make me feel better, distract myself.
So I dressed up and head out.
On the bus trip to the train station, I had a hard time trying to push all those dark thoughts out of my mind.
"I don't know what I'm doing anymore."
"What the hell have I done!?"
"What the hell have I turned into!?"
"Who the hell am I!?"
"Why did I do that!?"
And the list goes on.
At the train station, I lost my money.
It apparently fell out of my wallet.
$150 gone.
I couldn't help but want to cry.
I was already miserable and this just had to happen.
Gave a call to dad and he said that he'll cover it up for me so that my mum won't find out, I think he could hear the tears in my voice.
Went down to T1 outside Yamakawa super to sit down and try to calm myself down.
I wasn't exactly crying because all I had was a few tears spilling and a lot more that threatened to do so but didn't.
I was so tempted to call someone, have someone to talk to, to calm myself down.
But I decided against it.
It's my own fault that I'm in this state.
Since it's my own fault I shouldn't be crying.
And I shouldn't be calling in my miserable state to another and bother them.
They don't deserve to be disturbed by me nor burdened by me.
So I scolded myself with the magic words and I stopped.
"You brought this upon yourself so don't you dare cry!"
Most of the decision I made.
Most of the things I do.
I've weighted the consequences.
Nobody forced me to to them.
So I don't deserve to regret my actions.
I should face whatever consequences for whatever I did.
Having reminded myself of that.
I felt better.
I was miserable because of what I did so I deserve to be miserable.
So don't cry and wallow in self-pity.
If I'm miserable because I deserve it, than I should just suffer and than find some ways to lift myself up.
Went to kino and bought some books.
Met ZP for lunch/dinner at Taka.
Debated with myself for very long if I should go find him.
I was feeling better but still slightly miserable...so I didn't want him to find out.
On the other hand, I really wanted to show him the oden shop so I sms him.
Only to realize that the shop was gone.
Wanted to kill myself just than.
Managed to act normal when eating.
Most probably because he's so bloody cheerful and his heck-care attitude I can't bring myself to continue feeling miserable.
Ah well...at least now I have books to distract me.
I'll just be a coward for a little bit more.
Than I'll start facing the consequences again.
Gosh, I'm just blabbering now...
My Profile
Visit Akibahara to buy lots of otaku stuff~
.Name: Wong Chiou Torng, pronounced as Qiu Tong...
Initials: Wong C.T
Age:17
Birthday: 25th August
Star sign: Virgo
Nationality:Singaporean
School：Temasek Polytechnic
Loves:Anime and Manga, TPJCG, Food glorious food, Chocolate,Piano :D
Dislikes:Being packed like a sardine and going hungry
名前は：チュ トン
年齢:十七歳
誕生日:25th August 1992
国籍:シンガッポル人
学園:テマせく ポリテクニック
[[ The Wishlist ]]
Grow taller...even by 1cm will do~
Pass Piano Grade 5 Theory
NOT TO HAVE SUPP PAPER!!!
Annaーちゃん.
Gagaーちゃん
Isabellaーちゃん
Joveyーちゃん
Louisーちゃん
Tingkeーちゃん
Zheng Yuanーちゃん
Sindyーちゃｎ
Shi Binー君.
SweeSoonー君.
Da creater
Leave a little pixie dust if you will~
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
April 2009
July 2009
August 2009
November 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
August 2010
October 2010
December 2010
January 2011
May 2011
June 2011
Watching the news can be really depressing.
All the natural disasters, political unrest and food scandals.
It serves as a wake up call for me.
Growing up in Singapore, with a somewhat blissful and complete family. I am really spoilt and well-protected.
99.99% of the time, I forgot that the world is not that peaceful and that there are dangers out there.
War and starvation seems surreal and faraway.
It makes me ashamed of myself when I whine about not having enough time for myself.
Why am I whining about school when others are denied education when they so desperately want it?
I should be more grateful and appreciative of what I have.
I think that all fortune souls should be appreciative because it would be too late for regrets should anything happen. (touch wood)
When the days come, instead of whining about something, why not smile and be thankful that you don't have to worry about Earthquakes or dying due to political unrest and riots.
It is as easy as it is difficult to do this.
Easy because those things are really treasures and not difficult to appreciate.
Difficult because it is hard to grasp the magnitude of this blessing due to over complacency
So let's all try a little harder together to keep this in mind. Okay?
Trapped in a cocoon,
I met a little girl.
She looked at me, and asked.
"where are we?"
"I don't know."
"There why are we here?"
"I have no idea..."
She looked around, the depth of darkness surrounds.
"Where did the Sun go?"
"I wish I knew."
Looking worried, she asked.
"How are we going to get back?"
"...get back to where?"
She gave me a strange look.
"Who are you?"
"..."
The silence was deafening.
"I don't know!"
"How could you not know!?" she yelled angrily and disappeared.
Last Friday, was the most relaxed day I've ever had.
Well, it didn't start out well but it ended well.
Woke up with a headache in the morning, hence, skipping lecture.
Well, can't help that I've been having insomnia recently.
There are days that I could not fall asleep till 6 am in the morning.
Well, that and having to force yourself to sleep is really annoying and uncomfortable.
It seriously sucks.
Went to school at around 11 plus for comskill 2 meeting, some things happened and I panicked a little. Good thing it was resolved :D
At night, during karaoke session, I ate some seaweeds (practically almost all...sorry cas~ >.<) and went out to throw the empty packets away when I saw the trees!
Well, most of them thinks that I'm emo/nuts but I think that the trees are really beautiful.
I sat down staring at them for the rest of the night.
In the darken sky, some of the thin branches seems invisible, the leaves looks like bouquets of flowers, the intricate patterns formed by the branches.
Oh and the wind was nice and soothing!
I have not felt so at peace for so long.
Though I have to admit I was occasionally annoyed because people questioned me a little too much about why I was sitting there staring at the trees.
After that, mervn drove us to East Coast for dinner because I was sort of a brat and wanted to eat satay. LOL!
THANKS MERVN!!!! YOU'RE THE BEST!!!
I will try to be less willful and I will do my best to become my more sociable self soon. Give me some time kay~?
Everyone's bound to have negative thoughts.
In fact, more often than not, negative thoughts are what spur us to do better, right?
For example:
"I think that I am too bossy."
"It's can be really irritating and sometimes counter-productive"
It should then ultimately, lead to something like this:
"I should try to be less bossy and more amiable."
However, I realized that, that is often not the case.
There are like 3 kind of people (perhaps more than that):
1st kind as mentioned above are people who are most likely to lead a happy and successful life.
A 2nd group of people would do this:
"I am too bossy, why am I like this? People must hate me. But it's not my fault, they forced me to, they don't have any initiative,etc etc."
"Well...but I don't want people to hate me so I should try to be nicer, though it's really not my fault."
-Transmission end-
This 2nd group of people will generally mule over such issues and generally be self-conscious and a little insecure. Nevertheless, it usually don't hinder their daily or social life.
The last group of people goes like this:
"Oh my god, why am I so bossy? Sally must have hated me for it. Dale must have been offended by my demanding tone just now."
Eventually leading to something like this:
"Why am I alive? I am such a scum that only knows how to boss people around! I am such an asshole. I must have been such a burden to my parents. I should die!"
Some of these people, either have depression, anxiety or most likely attention seekers.
The former two categories are normally suicidal , needs to seek professional/spiritual help, though they are more likely to be less vocal and harder to spot.
The last category.
The attention seeker and how to spot one.
I believe that they truly do feel that way to a certain extent.
They tend to be very vocal about these feelings towards people they want to capture attention from.
They will gather the sympathy or pity of those who cares about them.
Shoot down most or every word of comfort.
Plain annoying.
Well, other than vocal they tend to show it through their whole body language when possible (producing a gloomy aura) in a very public place where someone is bound to notice.
Their really self-destructive and usually bring those who cares around them down along with them.
Some will eventually spiral into depression and suicide.
I personally have been through number 3 a few years back.
It was after my second hospitalization and I was at an all time low.
Both physically and mentally.
I've managed to pick myself up because I realized how idiotic I must have been.
Ultimately, emos are not your heart, it's in your mind.
If it's in your mind, you can control it.
That's what I've learnt and have to keep reminding myself.
Currently, I'm usually at number 2, rarely at number 3 and striving hard for number 1.
I'm writing this down so that I will have a reminder.
For this year, I will try to eliminate number 3 out of my life.
If I survive this year, than the next goal would be to gain a stronger foothold in number 2.
Finally, if I live long enough, I would want to attain number 1!!!!
It's a new year.
So I'm going to push forward.
I kept telling myself that I must be more cheerful like I used to be.
Be warm and kind and etc.
Truth is, it is really hard.
I've learnt a lot.
Mostly of how cold and cruel the world can be.
In the process, losing sight of the warmth and the brighter sight of the world.
It's like, once you've touched the darkness, it'll draw you in, unwilling to ever let go of you.
Yes, it's hard to get out of that suffocating darkness.
But hard doesn't means that it is impossible.
It just means that I would have to put up a better fight.
I would really try my best, so even if I failed at the end.
At least I've tried.
So much emotion swelling inside me now, I hope that my motivation wouldn't be lost the very next day though...knowing how flicker I can be...
With time,changes occurs.
Woke up this morning and felt really negative.
Mostly because of what I've done and have continued doing.
Tried really hard to calm myself down and managed to stop myself from spiraling down to an anxiety attack.
Though I still feel somewhat restless.
I realized how much I've changed.
Reading my past post for the last 2 years.
I realized how much happier and cheerful I was.
Not that I was a ball of sunshine or anything but still...
Saved for the episode of melt down I had.
That was actually a major episode that I managed to get over and kept positive after that.
Now, it's just I'm generally in this state of non-happiness.
It's not that I'm always happy but I'm almost never happy.
The only time that I'm "happy" is when I have fun.
Which basically involves crazy stuff and being around people that I don't usually hang out with.
I can't keep all of it from being written across my face.
So when people asked if I'm okay.
I'll just say that I'm tired.
Which is I guess not really far away from the truth.
My soul, my mind and my body are all exhausted.
My heart is locked, closed to everyone.
What I used to do is I would at least call someone to pour all my heart now.
Now, I wouldn't.
I can't.
Some things are meant to for the person to get over it.
If it's my own attitude and mindset, no one else would be able to talk me out of it.
I'm really tired.
I have not cried for a long time for I kept a lid of it.
I woke up feeling terrible.
All those negative emotions that I had been keeping on bay had grabbed hold of me again.
I thought that maybe visiting Kinokuniya and doing some shopping might make me feel better, distract myself.
So I dressed up and head out.
On the bus trip to the train station, I had a hard time trying to push all those dark thoughts out of my mind.
"I don't know what I'm doing anymore."
"What the hell have I done!?"
"What the hell have I turned into!?"
"Who the hell am I!?"
"Why did I do that!?"
And the list goes on.
At the train station, I lost my money.
It apparently fell out of my wallet.
$150 gone.
I couldn't help but want to cry.
I was already miserable and this just had to happen.
Gave a call to dad and he said that he'll cover it up for me so that my mum won't find out, I think he could hear the tears in my voice.
Went down to T1 outside Yamakawa super to sit down and try to calm myself down.
I wasn't exactly crying because all I had was a few tears spilling and a lot more that threatened to do so but didn't.
I was so tempted to call someone, have someone to talk to, to calm myself down.
But I decided against it.
It's my own fault that I'm in this state.
Since it's my own fault I shouldn't be crying.
And I shouldn't be calling in my miserable state to another and bother them.
They don't deserve to be disturbed by me nor burdened by me.
So I scolded myself with the magic words and I stopped.
"You brought this upon yourself so don't you dare cry!"
Most of the decision I made.
Most of the things I do.
I've weighted the consequences.
Nobody forced me to to them.
So I don't deserve to regret my actions.
I should face whatever consequences for whatever I did.
Having reminded myself of that.
I felt better.
I was miserable because of what I did so I deserve to be miserable.
So don't cry and wallow in self-pity.
If I'm miserable because I deserve it, than I should just suffer and than find some ways to lift myself up.
Went to kino and bought some books.
Met ZP for lunch/dinner at Taka.
Debated with myself for very long if I should go find him.
I was feeling better but still slightly miserable...so I didn't want him to find out.
On the other hand, I really wanted to show him the oden shop so I sms him.
Only to realize that the shop was gone.
Wanted to kill myself just than.
Managed to act normal when eating.
Most probably because he's so bloody cheerful and his heck-care attitude I can't bring myself to continue feeling miserable.
Ah well...at least now I have books to distract me.
I'll just be a coward for a little bit more.
Than I'll start facing the consequences again.
Gosh, I'm just blabbering now...