Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I have not cried for a long time for I kept a lid of it.
I woke up feeling terrible.
All those negative emotions that I had been keeping on bay had grabbed hold of me again.
I thought that maybe visiting Kinokuniya and doing some shopping might make me feel better, distract myself.
So I dressed up and head out.
On the bus trip to the train station, I had a hard time trying to push all those dark thoughts out of my mind.

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore."
"What the hell have I done!?"
"What the hell have I turned into!?"
"Who the hell am I!?"
"Why did I do that!?"

And the list goes on.
At the train station, I lost my money.
It apparently fell out of my wallet.
$150 gone.
I couldn't help but want to cry.
I was already miserable and this just had to happen.
Gave a call to dad and he said that he'll cover it up for me so that my mum won't find out, I think he could hear the tears in my voice.

Went down to T1 outside Yamakawa super to sit down and try to calm myself down.
I wasn't exactly crying because all I had was a few tears spilling and a lot more that threatened to do so but didn't.
I was so tempted to call someone, have someone to talk to, to calm myself down.
But I decided against it.
It's my own fault that I'm in this state.
Since it's my own fault I shouldn't be crying.
And I shouldn't be calling in my miserable state to another and bother them.
They don't deserve to be disturbed by me nor burdened by me.
So I scolded myself with the magic words and I stopped.

"You brought this upon yourself so don't you dare cry!"

Most of the decision I made.
Most of the things I do.
I've weighted the consequences.
Nobody forced me to to them.
So I don't deserve to regret my actions.
I should face whatever consequences for whatever I did.

Having reminded myself of that.
I felt better.
I was miserable because of what I did so I deserve to be miserable.
So don't cry and wallow in self-pity.
If I'm miserable because I deserve it, than I should just suffer and than find some ways to lift myself up.

Went to kino and bought some books.
Met ZP for lunch/dinner at Taka.
Debated with myself for very long if I should go find him.
I was feeling better but still slightly miserable...so I didn't want him to find out.
On the other hand, I really wanted to show him the oden shop so I sms him.
Only to realize that the shop was gone.
Wanted to kill myself just than.
Managed to act normal when eating.
Most probably because he's so bloody cheerful and his heck-care attitude I can't bring myself to continue feeling miserable.

Ah well...at least now I have books to distract me.
I'll just be a coward for a little bit more.
Than I'll start facing the consequences again.
Gosh, I'm just blabbering now...

*[[ And they lived happily ever after... ]]*
|4:21 AM|

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